Burning Out, Burning Up

Yesterday my class went to see a documentary on the New Zealand band Shihad, entitled "Beautiful Machine". I was actually pretty pumping for it, cos it looked really decent and Shihad are a band I've sort been half interested in (worthy of a few listens, but not of actually following) ever since a friend showed me the phenomenal rock anthem "Run" a few years back. Unlike some movies, it managed to live up to expectations, and was totally enjoyable, and I'd thoroughly recommend it to anyone interested in New Zealand music. We had to then write a review of the film, and here's mine just to give you a quick summary of the main events:

“Shihad – Beautiful Machine” is a film documenting the history of New Zealand band Shihad. It chronicles the bands timeline from their origins as a Wellington-based speed metal band to the present day where they headline huge arena concerts all around the world.

The storyline was told in a documentary style, and a lot of its content relied on interviews with the band, relatives of the members, and managers/record label owners who were associated with Shihad. Intercut between these were videos, both new and old, of the band playing some of their material either live or in the studio.

I found this film to be very interesting and informative as it revealed to me a great deal of the rich history of this iconic Kiwi band.  For example I wasn’t aware that they had started out playing metal, or that they had changed their name from Shihad to Pacifier to avoid negative connotations with terrorist groups (in that being the name “Shihad” sounds similar to “Jihad”).

Overall, this was a very interesting, well filmed, and at times quite personal documentary. I left the theatre not only having gained a deeper knowledge of this band and their music, but also having a greater appreciation for the amount of work these four guys have put in to furthering both their music and New Zealand music abroad. 

However, one part of the movie I forgot to mention was probably one of the rawest parts of their story. Their lead singer, John Toogood is working hard out trying to break the band into America, and freaking out at his performances, and missing his girlfriend back in New Zealand. Eventually he worked himself to the bone and has a complete breakdown. He actually had to stop playing music for a few months cause he "...hated it. Everything about it reminded [him] of the industry and how hard it was to make it, and what a flawed system it was." 

Needless to say, this struck me pretty hard. The very idea of having to exist without music is painful, but the idea of actually hating it, and not being able to play it at all is almost unbearable. It is a terrifying thought. 

Yet at the same time, it's starting to sound a bit closer to home than I had originally thought...

I'm not saying that I'm sick of playing music. Far from it. 

It's just I'm acquiring all this knowledge, all these skills, and at the moment, it seems to be getting me nowhere.
And that's what's been getting me down. 

Maybe I push it to hard. Maybe I'm too ambitious in my attempts at success. Maybe I push people away because I'm so focused on this one aspect of life.

It's just one aspect. 

Only one. 

And if I look closely enough, I can sense signs of burnout. Tiredness. Cynical attitudes. Pride. Selfishness. Constant repetition of thoughts related to music. Longing for something that is far beyond my reach. Tunes stuck in my head. Loop after endless loop of programming and generated music. Building on top of something which was never meant to be done alone. 

Music - what am I without it? 

And that's the problem. Am I anything? Do I still have worth? Do I still have a life? Dreams? Plans?

Like I've told many people, you don't want to hold onto one person, one thing so tightly that you lose your realization of everything else.

And I'm scared I'm becoming that way. 

Maybe it's time, even if it's just for a short while, that I focused on something other than this...

The Second!

This post is entitled "The Second" in reference to the second song I've written this year!
(This is of course, discounting the ones I have to write for my certificate, which I've contributed to two so far. They were pretty cool really but I would have liked them more if there'd been less use of the word "baby" in the lyrics. I dislike that word - it seems to be one the most cliched and misused word in all music!)
Anyway, I'm pretty stoked with this song! 

The story behind it is it came out of a bit of a hard songwriting period for me. We got given "song topics" for the current genre we're studying (Kiwi Music). And although some of the themes were pretty good to write about, like anger or dancing, it didn't seem to be working for me. Every lyric I was churning out was pretty uninspiring, and the tunes were even worse. But I felt like I really had to get something out. Eventually I just got frustrated with it as well as a bunch of other things. I felt disenchanted with the knowledge how small the New Zealand music industry is, how hard it is to succeed, and frustrated with my inability to find another band to join. So I was thinking about inspiration and stuff, and scrawled some lyrics down just before tea, and finished off the rest of the verses and the structure at 1.01 am in the morning.
Classes finished early today, and I wasn't doing anything productive hanging around UCOL, so I walked back to the hostel in the pouring rain after having a few mishaps trying to buy an umbrella. I was pretty bored so I just picked up my acoustic and started jamming round with a few chord bases. I got something which sounded really cool, and was thinking "I need to write down some lyrics for this". But when I reached to grab some paper, this song was just sitting there, and I ended up giving that a try. It was kind of strange to begin with, because when I wrote it, I never imagined it sounding like that. It was totally different, but in a awesome way. And though it feels like a couple of songs mashed together, it somehow works. 

Anyway, enough rambling. Here's the lyrics:

BREATHE 

I pause, when held back from nothing

I pause cause I'm trapped in this motionless bay

I reach to grasp these illusions 

I reach, only to have these dreams swept away

Give me a breath of fresh air

Cause I need some oxygen

All I need is a breath of fresh air

To put the wind in my sails

Then I'll leave this bland cove

And blaze a new trail

It moves faster than a heartbeat

It moves slower than a stationary car

It speaks and it's words sound like silver

It speaks and people feel like they could touch the stars

I'm dying; without it 

Why is it so hard to breathe?

And I won't look back 

No I won't look back

I'm leaving now

And I won't turn back

(c) copyright Jordan Gowan 2012

To me it speaks volumes... 

Art and Sound (Part 2)

This is the second part to my "Art and Sound" series where I showcase a few of my favourite guitar models in greater detail. Unfortunately this is not a review (as much as I would like to play/own these guitars!), all my assumptions have to be judged from pictures, actual reviews and Youtube. But still.... it's worth a read! And while you're at it, check out Part 1 here.

3. Manson Guitars 

I only found out about these guitars less than a year ago, and like most people, it was all due to them being (highly) endorsed by Matt Bellamy, the lead guitarist and singer from the alt-rock band Muse. While watching their 2008 "HAARP: Live at Wembley Stadium" dvd, I was impressed by Matt's guitars almost as much as his amazing playing. Not only were they suitably stylish (especially the sparkly one!) they sounded totally amazing. He must have used at least four and I can see why they've become his signature models. They had a great tone as well as some really impressive and unique features. The first model, the Manson MB-1, is the guitar he uses the most on the dvd. The little white plate underneath the bridge is actually a MIDI scratch pad, which is strummed with a pick to create some really out there synth sounds - something quite different! The second is a Manson Bomber, which Matt Bellamy also uses. This also features a MIDI control system, though it looks a little plain compared to the MB-1. However the guitar itself has a pretty sweet design which kind of makes up for it.

The PRS Starla

Out of all my dream guitars, this one pretty much takes the cake. This is one of the few on the list I've actually had the pleasure of actually seeing. It was in the Rockshop in New Plymoth and it was the first guitar on the rack to catch my eye. In fact, I think I stared at it for at least 5 minutes. I checked the price tag a few times too, but it was way out of my league unfortunately.
It is an absolutely beautiful axe, from neck to bridge. The singlecut design looks totally new, while still retaining the classic familiarity of the Les Paul guitar shape (which any guitarist worth his salt ought to know). The tailpiece, with it's elaborate locking system and silver tremolo bar just add to the effect. This is one guitar where you want to keep that whammy bar on, even if you don't use it, just because it looks so good!!!  In terms of control knobs, it has similarities with the Mira in that it has a coil splitter to turn those beautiful humbuckers into single coils, which gives more variety in tone.
There is only one word to describe this guitar, and I'm pretty sure I've used it already a few times. It is without doubt, stunningly beautiful.

Plus, Jon Foreman from Switchfoot has one! As if I needed any excuse to convince you of it's awesomeness! One day I'm going to own one of these beauties!!!!

Stay tuned for the next post in the series! And keep those comments coming!!!

The Avengers

Saw this tonight and was blown away! It's such a good non-stop action film with epic fight scenes and a great plot! I'm not even going to pretend to be a movie reviewer like Stevee (speaking of which there's a great review of it here: http://filmjunkie25.blogspot.co.nz/2012/04/blockbuster-for-ages.html#more) - all I'm gonna say is go and watch it!!!!!!!

Better

"There's a better life
And it makes me hide"
- Playjerise

"Some days are better than others"
- U2

"I would give anything to make you feel better"
-Brooke Fraser

"Oh but I'm better now
Why do you shake your hand, no
Oh when I'm better, better
When you save my soul"
- The Vespers

"All my days I've been finding ways
Of searching for a better way
Come what may, all my days
Now I'm searching for a better way back home"
-Mumsdollar

It seems to be our goal to be better than we already are...

But today WAS better.

On the way down...

Didn't really have the best of days today.
I woke up late again. This no sleeping (or should I say very little sleeping) thing isn't turning out to good for me at the moment. It would probably be ok if I had a consistent morning schedule, but lately I've been having to get up at either 9, 9.30, 10 or 11 on different days so it's really screwing with my head.
So because I woke up so late I had 15 minutes to get up and get to class. Which is really annoying, because it takes at least twenty minutes to walk there.
This means I had to skip breakfast, which I absolutely hate. You've got to have breakfast! In my opinion, everyday when you don't have breakfast never starts off right! And today was no exception.
Finally made it there after trudging what felt like kilometers with my extremely heavy guitar. Even though it was already fifteen minutes into our "practice time" I was only the second original member there. Needless to say, the other original member (our singer) wasn't particularly pleased about this. Quite understandable of course, but it didn't really help things.
The practice wasn't much better after that. I wasn't feeling top of my game, and it seemed nobody else was either. One of the members who's supposed to be contributing significantly to every song wasn't there, again. I failed at pretty much every single guitar solo I tried to do. We attempted to play a song we learnt yesterday. It doesn't really help having a practice like that and thinking about the gig you're supposed to be playing at two days from now. I'm getting really nervous now. Like insanely nervous!
And I'm so sick of playing the blues!

It's all starting to freak me out. And I don't really help things by avoiding practice and playing soccer and watching tv instead (though it was nice to have a break and do something else apart from music...).
ARRGGGHH!

I think what I'm missing the most is some sort of outlet. I love playing music with my classmates, don't get me wrong. But it's oh-so structured, and regimented. I feel like I need something else, some other group where I can just be myself and come up with all the crazy original stuff which has been stuck inside my head for ages. I mean, the only song I've written outside of course this year has been just basically a scatty ukulele jam with a few words over the top. Ok, maybe it wasn't that bad, but I just feel like I can do so much better. Like I have done so much better... why is it so hard to do it again?
Sometimes things just pile up and you don't feel like you're ever going to get on top of it again. Days like today, I can't help but feel like I'm on the way down again....

(Apologies for the depressing post, I needed to rant. Oh look and now it's late again. Hello again insomnia.)

Art & Sound - The Guitar (Part One)

This is in response to this blog  which I wrote quite a few years back where I listed my favourite guitars, and why. It's actually cringe-worthy reading this blog now, I can't believe I wrote something so un-classy! And I had a pretty awful taste in guitars too, seeing as out of the axes I listed, there's only one model on there I still find pretty cool (the PRS guitar - though I've moved on to a few better models).
This is Part One of a series of blogs where I detail my (current) favourite guitar models. I'm actually not sure how long it will go for, as I may have somewhere between five and ten favourite models - it's too hard to limit myself to 2 or 3!
Hopefully my knowledge of these beautiful instruments has increased more sufficiently to warrant enjoyable reading. If not, just look at the pictures and think: it's not just the sound that produces - these guitars look like a works of art as well!

1:

The PRS Mira

Bought to you by my long-running favourite guitar companies, Paul Reed Smith Guitars are custom made and usually very highly priced for the average musician (like me). If anyone's wondering why I have such respect for this company, take a look through their catalogue of artists and then tell me they're not good! Guitarists from bands such as Breaking Benjamin, Switchfoot, and Journey, and solo artists with huge followings such as John Mayer and Carlos Santana, all play PRS guitars. The PRS Mira is not only absolutely beautiful to look at but also, judging from various reviews I looked up, it sounds pretty sweet and is amazing to play as well. One of it's more unique features is having two pickup switches - one is a three-way switch to operate the choice of humbuckers used, while the other splits the humbuckers to single-coils and back again if desired. Absolutely genius - the clean sound of single coils favored by Fender Stratocaster players the world round, as well as the more dirty rock tones of the double humbuckers that Les Paul players prefer.
Really the only problem with these guitars is that they are quite hard to come by in New Zealand, as I've only seen one stocked on the online catalogue from Rockshop. Even then, it was somewhere around the three thousand dollar mark - altogether too expensive for me to purchase. Unfortunately.

2:

Airline/ Eastwood Guitars

I seem to have a fetish for oddly shaped, less-than-conventional guitars with a lot of knobs and special technology features. While previous searches (mostly on Google unfortunately) have turned up with vintage weirdness in the form of guitars like the Vox Guitar Organ, I think I've finally settled on my future dream "abnormal" guitar. And it will probably take the form of an Airline model brought out by Eastwood Guitars.
These guitars just do it for me aesthetically. They look so different, so out-there that if I was to ever see a performer play one of these, I would be instantly attracted to both his guitar and his playing. The Airline guitars of today are based on models made in the 50s so they have a vintage look to them (probably in the rubber casing that makes up the body). The model I have listed are the Custom '59 3P DLX and the Airline Tuxedo.
The Custom '59 features an out-there looking body, a smooth neck, three pickups (single coils and humbuckers) and no less than two pickup switches and SEVEN control knobs! The reason for this is that every pickup has it's own tone and volume knob, and a master volume is included as well.
As one can imagine this would give any player huge potential to alter their sound settings without even needing effects pedals!

At first glance, the Airline Tuxedo looks like a decidedly average retro Les Paul, but it's looks are not what drew my attention to it. I was originally going to post about the Coronado, but a bit of research into it showed that it didn't nearly sound as good as it looked. Disconcerted, I randomly clicked on a link to this model. And I was fairly impressed. On a distorted tone, it had a really nice vintage sound to it which was a lot less muddy than the Coronado. But when it was played clean with a hint of reverb it really stood out. Apparently it gets it's tone from being completely hollow-bodied, yet choosing to shun the sound holes that most hollow-body guitars have. Interesting.
While I'd favour the Custom '59 over the Tuxedo, the truth is I would really just love to have one of these Airline guitars. They are so out-there that they'd surely complement my preferred style of playing. Plus musicians such as Jack White (an amazing guitarist - check out his new song Sixteen Saltines for some sweet riffing!) and David Bowie (a famous 80's glam rock star - shame on you if you've never heard of him!) have endorsed the Airline models in recent years.
The only problem is, they aren't sold ANYWHERE in New Zealand at the moment. So if I was to ever purchase one it would have to be shipped in or bought overseas.... which is annoying because I'm really keen to jam out on one of these guitars!

For further parts, you'll have to keep reading this blog - I'd suggest hitting the "follow" button if you haven't already! And while you're at it drop in a comment about YOUR favourite guitar - whether it's one I've mentioned already, or one I have yet to discover!

Thoughts...

I keep having these great ideas, but no time or no people to help me fulfill them.
For example, I was going to type up an interesting blog, but somehow it's already 11.18 and I'm planning on getting up before 6 tomorrow to go to the Dawn Service in honor of Anzac Day.
This is kind of insane actually, considering how tired I've been lately.
I just can't seem to go to sleep at a reasonable time anymore. And I know it's bad cos I woke up late today and missed out like a full 30 minutes of my band rehearsal at Ucol. Luckily it wasn't too bad as our singer wasn't there so we had more of an informal jam than an actual practice. But still. I felt so terrible about it.
That might have been in part cause I missed breakfast though. Never a good start to the day!

Anyway it may be kind of insane, but it's totally worth it. And I've set my alarm and everything!

Catch you bloggers later,

I leave now to get sleep!

A Summary of Recent Events

Wow!
WOW!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!
Sorry about all the "wows", Blogger.com has changed to a new format and I'm buzzing about it! And other things!
Well I'm finally back in Palmerston North. I got back to the hostel on Wednesday night and have just been kicking around since then.
If you want the truth this holidays has actually been pretty terrible, and I'm pretty stoked that it's almost over. Not that it wasn't good having a break.... and it was cool hanging out with my crazy family!
It's just it could have been a lot better than it was, and I felt like I was letting myself down. I went back to Dannevirke but I didn't really do anything at all. In hindsight I should have caught up with more than just one friend, or jammed out some music with the (ex) band, or gone for a few more runs, or just anything really! Instead I've been studying so hard and (almost) stressing out about this assignment and performances and just life in general.
I was been so busy just trying to get stuff done and to be the best musician, the best writer, and the best person, that I'd almost forgotten to just live...
This weekend I actually had to force myself to stop working. It's that sad!
And once I'd finally done that, it was a pretty sweeeet weekend!
I went bowling with my brothers on Friday night which was crackup as. I ended up winning, but it wasn't really that great a score. We all sucked so bad! I'm sure the first ten bowls of the game were all gutter balls, and it wasn't much better after that haha.
On Saturday I spent most of the day doing.... not much. But the night was pretty cool! I went to "Buddy" - a musical based on the life of Buddy Holly at the Regent with 95% of my Ucol class. It was a really good show - testament to the fact being that I didn't even mind it when they played 'That'll be the Day'! Afterwards we "gatecrashed" the official after party and sat around for ages. It was such a good time! I'd actually missed hanging out with those guys.
Oh and I got to catch up with my "Dad" too! "Dad" is in speech marks because a) he's not my actual dad, he just played the part of my father in a play I did and b) I've momentarily forgot his name (actually maybe it was Alan? Maybe?). Anyway "Dad" was my stage father in Fiddler on the Roof last year and he was one of the cooler people in that cast. Haha, I joke.... But seriously though, he was a legend. I had such a bad experience with that show and he was one of the few good aspects of the whole time I was in it. There was this one day I was feeling particularly down and he gave me and my "sister" Rachel (once again, from the play, not real life sister!) presents he'd bought on a trip to China he'd just returned from. Totally made my day!
Anyways, it was good to see him again. He looked like he was doing well for himself.
Today was also pretty super! I went to my mate Caleb's church and it was such a good service! The sermon was on creativity which really spoke to me cos it'd been something I had been wrestling with lately. The idea that I wasn't on the right track and that I'm wasting my life on a false hope. But the sermon really encourage me to keep going at it. I was talking to the pastor afterwards and he said something really profound to me: "The fear that you can't make a career or a living out of it holds so many people back from being released into the full potential of the creativity God has blessed them with. But it's just another lie. Who needs money?" And this was exactly what I'd been worrying about! It was so good to hear confirmation about it, and to know that whatever the cost, this thing, this life is totally worth pursuing!
Plus we got to hear some Foo Fighters in the middle of a sermon - can't go wrong with that!
The rest of the day I just spent avoiding my assignment, playing guitar and talking to all my hostel mates who've (finally) moved back in after the holidays.
I went to Nightchurch tonight, and while the sermon wasn't quite as touching and needed as this mornings, it was still pretty good. There was one passage from there and it really spoke to me so I'm going to shove it up here just for you to reflect on (read the whole chapter if you can, there's so much good stuff in there!)
"If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need, but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person? Dear children, let us love not in word or speech but with actions and truth." - 1 John 3:17-18.


Oh and I bought myself a new guitar on Saturday! I've been playing with it all weekend, it has such a beautiful tone! It is so hard to beat the sound of a nice new acoustic guitar, and she really is a beauty!
Anyone keen for an acoustic gig some time in the future?!

Hit me up with a few of those comments letting me know how your weekend went! Or just life in general! As always, would love to hear from you!

Weekends

Weekends always seem to give me the desire to procrastinate.

So at the moment I'm blogging, on Facebook, and listening to my next favourite band, Broken Records, play five of the best new songs I've heard for a long time - instead of doing my assignment.

Admittedly it is a lot more relaxed than I've been in the past week. Basically all I've done in the past nine days since leaving Palmerston North to go on "holiday" is work on my assignment, and play a LOT of guitar.

Starting to feel like I don't have much of a life.....

All the other people in my year who've came back for the holidays seem to either be having epic catch-ups or posting pictures on Facebook about their epic catch-ups. So I've been feeling a little bit out of the loop this past week.
And it's not like I like it this way. It's just I've been so busy with all this work for UCOL I haven't really had time for anything else.
In a way, I really can't wait to get back to Palmerston and start feeling like myself again. It's weird not being surrounded by 30 completely unrelated people. I'm almost surprised at how used to the hostel I've got.

Yet in saying that, it's not been all bad. Played a few games of soccer with my brothers, busked for 15 minutes and made about $4 (epic achievement!), went to the beach for one amazing day, discovered my new favourite band (Broken Records!!!!!), got a bottleneck slide (one of the hardest guitar techniques to master I swear!), discovered my next challenge to learn on the acoustic (Genesis's guitar player- why are you so good?!), ate like 1/4 of a tub of icecream, felt fat afterwards, shot some BB guns, argued with Nate about who was going to buy the fish and chips, read a statement I put in a time capsule 8 years ago (very entertaining reading!) and helped bury a dead possum we found in our roof - actually wait up that last part wasn't fun at all. :P

Still, I find it hard to do anything without feeling guilty about this assignment hanging over my head....

Gosh I'm such a workaholic at times. I really need to be channeling all this frustration creatively and write some music with it....
Speaking of which, I've got those lyrics to write for my UCOL band too....

ARGH!
I can't wait till the "holidays" are over, then I might be able to have a break!!!!